Hey Doc, are you telling Meee I’m depressed?

I am suffering from depression for about 2 years now. Now I know cause my doctor and psychiatrist told me. I opened my mouth wide when they said it’s a disease that controls you. “Who? Me? Are you sure you are not talking to my friend sitting here beside me?” I have been healthy all my life. I have been “clean” all my life. I was depressed for two years and all I was telling to myself was that I’m sad and unhappy. Since when this leads into a disease? I felt my soul deprived of happiness. Why is my brain sick instead? So..OK..sad..unhappy…what is that have to do with me getting panic attacks on the hwy, buses, subways, elevators? I felt good only in one place. At home. Until last month when I dialed 911 just to stop me from flying from my balcony. Who? Still me? Hmmm.. they put me on IV and all that, no sign of stroke or heart problems, blood tests perfect. I still felt like I was possessed. I still felt like crawling on the floor and begging the doctor to kill me. Instead he was laughing and asking “Are you always like this?” Was that supposed to make me feel better about myself..? I mean the laughing part.. Does he really have a degree? Anyway…I pulled the perfusion out of my veins and said I felt I wanna go home. So I went. Next day I was back into emergency. I guess I’m not very perceptive since it took me two 911 calls to realise they can’t fix me with Gravol for stopping my vomiting sensation. My family doctor got pretty scared. I love this little man. He listens better than the psychiatrist he recommended. He put me on antidepressants and I said “ok” he knows better than me, I’ve never been sick remember? At least I hoped it will stop the fire killing my chest, or the lost of vision, or the numbness in my hands and legs..hmmm did i mention already the suicidal thoughts? Then the side effects merged in. Stop. I’m confused. I still want to kill myself but now I’m not sure if it’s because life sucks or that the side effects still kill me but slower and a lot more painful. The 4 th week on Wellbutrin XL and Cipralex. Friends helped too. I started feeling better. Then I had my first visit to the psychiatrist. And that happened after i got over the shock that I have to go see one. I closed my eyes to the dirty office saying to myself it doesn’t matter. I met him. I put my hope in him. I was supposed to do that. Now I’m scared of him. The man i entrusted my deepest self was judging me, scolding me, pin me down into shapes and forms i didn’t feel comfortable in. He force me to look into his eyes, says has something to do with my self confidence. I trust myself. I look people into theis eyes. I like reading their soul. His eyes are evil. I always have a faraway look when I’m talking my soul. He treated me like i was a sort of criminal. Or a first grade child having been scolded by my teacher for not being appropriate. I guess i had to apologize for being distressed. He forced me to answer with Yes or No. Hmmm…my life is “I don’t know”. I wished all my life i could be an actress. No..not the money fame part. But cause I have no damn clue how to live mine. If i knew that is either black or white i wouldn’t need a psychiatrist. Can’t he see that is grey? Can’t he see that I’m confused? “Yes or No?” I left more depressed. I should promise if I get out of this to become a psychiatrist. Really, those patients need help. They need compassion, not a smug and judging person.The thing is i think i might be able to know what led me into depression though i never saw it coming. My question to the Universe and any1else hearing it is: Do I get out of this if i change the causes? Will i be able to kill it if I affect them? I mean i don’t want to carry pills with me forever, i always forget my purse at home, I’m not a purse kinda girl. Can we fight depression without pills, and without pills can the chemicals in your brain adjust the way it supposed to be if we try to change the motives of our depression? I should change my psy. I should be able to give my own answers better if i don’t have to wash my hands after i leave his office. It’s a waste of time, when my brain is so busy racing.